Yoga Thoughts

A few years ago, I decided to start doing yoga and have done it semi-consistently ever since. It feels good, and I enjoy it, but mostly I think if I do yoga my whole life, I'll still be able to be mobile and feel active when I get old. I want to prevent my body from breaking down so much that I can't do the things I like.

But I have to acknowledge that meathead jock part of the male brain that seems to have a problem with yoga and mocks it. That part that thinks it's weird and feminine and woo-woo. It's probably the same part of the brain that makes guys awkward when they see a cute baby and don't know how to react appropriately.

There are still some guys I know that I wouldn't tell I do yoga. Especially old-school, whisky drinking, cigar-smoking kind of guys. In one of my former jobs, I had to hang around many older auto shop owners and car guys. They would respect me more if I pissed my pants in front of them than if they knew I did yoga.

But anyway, these are some of the things that go through my brain while doing different poses.

Mountain pose: Alright, this is just standing. I've done this all my life, and nailed it every time. Didn't even know it was yoga.

Cow pose: If my buddies saw me doing this, I'm sure they would be super mature and progressive and not call me all kinds of gay. And not just because they're afraid of getting canceled. But also, man, why does that feel so amazing on my back?

Downward-facing dog: Most times, I'm looking at my heels and wondering: why can't you just touch the floor? And, sometimes, when my body is warm and stretchy, and they do happen to touch, I think: who's a good downward-facing doggy? Who's a good stretchy boy?

Eagle pose: It's all good until that last part where your toes are supposed to wrap around your calf. Are bones even supposed to work that way? Because mine don't.

Rocking bow pose: It's this pose but rocking back and forth. There are 3 reasons I will never be able to do this—all three between my legs. I'll keep my bow steady without the rocking and not crush my ability to procreate, thank you very much.

Chair pose: When is this going to end? I've hoped for the immediate impact of a civilization-ending meteor while holding this pose for too long.

Locust pose: Again with the ball crunching! I was going to rant about how yoga teachers don't address the whole different male crotch elephant in the room for some poses. But I realize the same way this one is harder for guys; other poses are just easier. I'll shut up and keep going.

Crow pose: Now we're talking, this is where that good old male upper body strength comes in handy. Watch me crush this ladies; you've humiliated me enough with your flat crotches and flexible pelvises. (Yup, that's the plural form of pelvis; I looked it up. My dumbass thought it was pelvi).

King pigeon pose: Not even trying it; I needed a break anyway. I'll jump back in on the next one.

Happy baby: Best name for a pose ever. Makes me so happy.

Thinking about the awkwardness and uncomfortable things about yoga reminds me of all the other great things that require discomfort. The same people that will mock you for doing yoga are the ones who will tell you not to write, sing, paint, start a weird business, or do anything different or creative. So I think it's best to go for it anyway, struggle through the odd parts, enjoy it, and avoid losing your balls in the process. In the end, you'll at least feel like you tried, and who knows, you might be able to keep your back straight and feel good as the sun sets.

I still feel a bit cringe when I say this word, but here you go: Namaste.

Uncomfortable Questions

A Day in LA